Merry part that merry we may meet again

I can’t sleep.

i was tired.

it has been long hard week, but i just got an e-mail that has me excited like a nine year old the night before her big birthday party…

Michael (my love) has been away this week, missing him makes me nuts, so i buried myself in the most physical task I could think of (re-painting the kitchen – cupboards and all) which included making friends with the ladder – we seem to understand each other now, and i didn’t have to fall to learn.
but that is not why i cannot sleep –

When we met it didn’t make sense for us to be in a relationship with each other, he lived in another province, i have kids and an ex-husband circus among other complications, which for some reason we just ignored. Within a month of meeting, i packed my things, leaving my kids behind i went to be handfasted to this man under the full moon over Tulbagh, in a 200 year old house, it was beautiful.

Except we were so broke! There was nothing to do but make music, talk, make love, and make music. Unless you’re one of our tribe that probably sounds boring, but for me it was ideal, challenging and amazing. This was June 2009 – for us we have been married all this time, but as unenlightened or old fashioned or just plain stupid as it seems, we’re going to make it legal – this idea up til now i’ve known is the right one for us, but one i have not been able to get excited about – then Bam! it hits me – i get a clear picture of what i want, now the rest is a matter of attraction… Happy!
Today by internetintuition i was led to contact someone who will handfast us legally in our home, just as we dream the expression of our promise to be. Not only was i led to her, but she is available for the day we intend to make it legal, and she speaks my language, which has me buzzing through the million things i want to pull together before April… Don’t look now Nicole, but you have started to plan this wedding, yes, that’s right, you’re really doing this! (mind kicking into high gear, goodbye Morpheus see you next time;)

although i have been married before, even “married” to Michael before i actually feel like a bride for the first time – a bride in desperate need of a wedding dress…


apart, or a part of the whole?

There are many perspectives on what disease is, what causes it, why it happens, and what to do about it. After a year of working at an alternative therapies practice in my area, i started to draw some strange conclusions about all of the above question. For the most part through my conclusions remained firmly a part of my intellectual library, my secret corner of heretical thoughts.
Recently though, i’ve begun to see these theories play out in real time in my real life.
I would ask people who had come into my field of practice – touch, sound, aromatherapy, and inner journey – to close their eyes, and describe what they see. More or less everyone tells you that they see blackness or nothing. then i would ask them what they hear, smell, taste, and so on… this gives a practitioner valuable information about a persons level of sensitivity.
After years of practice, i don’t see nothing when i close my eyes, i see subtle lights that inform me where energy and information are flowing. i use my inner vision or intuition to perceive the light inside my own body – the spinal chord produces a lot of light, as do all the nerves, the lungs produce a different quality of light more like natural light, at dusk or dawn – the heart has light, like a torch when you cover it with your hand, and so forth – each organ, each part of the system with it’s own intelligence, sentience and purpose. Only through experiencing my body as a whole integrated system am i able to view my home, my suburb, my city, my country, my continent, the planet as parts of an integrated whole each with their own intelligence, sentience and purpose. This is how the personal is political, and the political personal. we are all in this together. conscious or not, your thoughts right from within your deepest insides affect the whole of everyone and everything. now is not the time to be paralysed by fear. when love is the only engine of survival. Love as the highest act of the Law ,and as the true nature of your spirit. Create, share, uplift, enlighten, the watchwords of the week.

Lost things wedding dreams and handwritten notes stuck in the gate.

It feels like a thick fog is beginning to lift, some sense of myself, and purpose are returning slowly to my life. Funny how the little random acts have such impact in one’s life. i’ve been reading”The Black Swan” Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s book about the impact of the highly improbable, perhaps that has influenced the way i am perceiving reality at the moment, because i’m looking for Black Swans – the lost respect for the chaotic unknown.

At the same time, i’m learning to play the ukulele with ease – i dressed her in leftover wedding dress lace because she has been singing the strangest love songs, Hallelujah, Killer Cars, and Bang Bang – perhaps she has a broken heart. i’ve added one of my own broken heart songs, and find it plays well on the four strings – for me no matter how hard or sad a song is there is a joy in the expression if you’re free with it, just being it, and i feel that with Lady Jane and the Uke. i really want to take her out and perform in public as some kind of protest to the indifference in people – i’ve been making a point of interacting with people wherever i find them. A smile, a gesture, a joke, hi my name is nicole… some people are so shockingly cold and remote, others aggressive defensive,  only a few curious and open. imagine living in a world where you could say hello and hear hello from anyone anywhere.

“my friends are gone, my hair is grey, i ache in the places where i used to play, i’m crazy for love but i’m not coming on, just paying my rent every day in the tower of song, i asked Hank Williams how lonely does it get? Hank Williams hasn’t answered me yet, but i hear him coughing all night long 100 floors above me in the tower of song…”

Twice in two days i’ve had the opportunity to reflect on my life through interactions with people from the distant and recent past. I have grown in confidence and self worth. It is also a good feeling to be well remembered. Now…to dust off the old rifle, get out the oil and ram rod – i think i’ll go shooting again;)

right- not two years ago i got myself a modem and email address to keep in contact with someone particular (with whom i was planning to attempt a long distance relationship). well, now, we have been living together for 18months, and the point of the internet connection seemed moot, until i started reading blogs – oh boy! a world full of periodicals – radicals, and let downs. i have become something of a social networking junkie – put it like this, my morning used to start with a pee and a tea, now i cannot move from the warm sleep spot until i’ve checked the tweets i missed while i was sleeping – so many things happening in so many time zones – i love;  my smart phone, that the world is round, and the love of my life used to live 1400kms away, which made me shake off my technophobia, and jump into the web barefoot. that’s how you find me naked and smiling hello – for now;)

everything ends where it begins