Lost things wedding dreams and handwritten notes stuck in the gate.

It feels like a thick fog is beginning to lift, some sense of myself, and purpose are returning slowly to my life. Funny how the little random acts have such impact in one’s life. i’ve been reading”The Black Swan” Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s book about the impact of the highly improbable, perhaps that has influenced the way i am perceiving reality at the moment, because i’m looking for Black Swans – the lost respect for the chaotic unknown.

At the same time, i’m learning to play the ukulele with ease – i dressed her in leftover wedding dress lace because she has been singing the strangest love songs, Hallelujah, Killer Cars, and Bang Bang – perhaps she has a broken heart. i’ve added one of my own broken heart songs, and find it plays well on the four strings – for me no matter how hard or sad a song is there is a joy in the expression if you’re free with it, just being it, and i feel that with Lady Jane and the Uke. i really want to take her out and perform in public as some kind of protest to the indifference in people – i’ve been making a point of interacting with people wherever i find them. A smile, a gesture, a joke, hi my name is nicole… some people are so shockingly cold and remote, others aggressive defensive,  only a few curious and open. imagine living in a world where you could say hello and hear hello from anyone anywhere.

“my friends are gone, my hair is grey, i ache in the places where i used to play, i’m crazy for love but i’m not coming on, just paying my rent every day in the tower of song, i asked Hank Williams how lonely does it get? Hank Williams hasn’t answered me yet, but i hear him coughing all night long 100 floors above me in the tower of song…”

Twice in two days i’ve had the opportunity to reflect on my life through interactions with people from the distant and recent past. I have grown in confidence and self worth. It is also a good feeling to be well remembered. Now…to dust off the old rifle, get out the oil and ram rod – i think i’ll go shooting again;)


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