Since my last post i have shed an obsession that has eaten years and motivation from my life, and while the poison of misuse drains away, i vacillate between tears and elation. Having a new Radiohead record to play on repeat helps, (whether you like them or not give a listen to The King of Limbs, it’s download only at the moment – the physical product is due sometime in March) some suggest the title refers to a 1000 year old tree, i like the mythology and magick around trees, but best of all i love that they breathe! feeding our atmosphere with oxygen. (i particularly like hanging out in a tree, ear pressed to the trunk, you have to become very still, still even on the inside, to hear the tree singing in the breeze, they make beautiful music if you have the ears to hear it)
Another great love of mine is canine energy (don’t get me wrong, i like cats, and birds and snakes but i really ‘get’ dogs) my father raised bull terriers when i was a little thing, a deep and abiding bond was formed for me with these amazing creatures. Yet when i would speak of this love, people would look at me as though i had just said my soul mate is Hitler, and i want to sacrifice my children to the devil… i’ve gotten used to it over the years, the mass misunderstanding of these much maligned creatures. it used to hurt me that people would be so willing to hate by hearsay, as i gained maturity i would ask people how many bull terriers they’ve known, how many people they know personally who have been attacked (by any dog for that matter)? Always bringing it into their personal experience, some people would acknowledge that they had none, while others had stories to tell, my ex would always talk about how their neighbours terrier petrified him as a kid, and once when he climbed over the fence to fetch a stray ball, the hound sat watching him silently until his foot touched it’s ground. then it made a threatening noise, and sent him scuttling back where he came from, the ball now belonging to the dog. I’d always say – the dog made no move on you but gave you fair warning that you were trespassing, and that your presence was not welcome – if it indeed were kill crazy it would have jumped you and ripped your throat out, not sat patiently watching you cross a line, and then offered you an opportunity to change your mind and retreat. in all the years i have known and been around terriers they strike me as intelligent, loyal, and loving (but i’ll admit i’m biased). Recently Michael and i had an uncomfortable confrontation regarding my admiration across all terrier breeds – something he couldn’t understand (for as much as i’m a lover of the canine, he is besotted with the feline) he recently met a young bull terrier pup, and had his heart touched, to the point where he agreed i could start looking for a puppy for us. in that gesture he untied the love that i have borne bound up within me, in a flood of emotion i have been searching the internet for my princess.
I replied to every add, searched every kind of puppy site, found several litters in gauteng and expressed my experience, passion and interest. The replies were slow in coming, each one sorry to disappoint me, but all the females have been placed or taken. Broken hearted this morning i lay in bed, pulled the covers over my head and cried myself to sleep. I dreamed of a pup with a patch over her eye, she said don’t loose heart i am here, and i am yours, my name is Jasmine. i woke showered, dressed, made a cup of tea, came to check my inbox, and there was a message referring me to a breeder in Johannesburg with a litter just born on the 8th of February…i called her right away, had the most uplifting conversation with a fellow lover of these incredible dogs. She (the breeder) is 70 years old, but kept young by these vibrantly alive dogs that fill her life and home ( i had to admit to her that in dreams of my old age i see myself living surrounded by bull terriers, so in a sense she is living one of my dreams – we giggled about it, she knows that i’m the right mom for one of the three females she has – all incidentally with eye patches.)
Have you ever loved anything, and felt you had to hide that love, bury it deep within perhaps never to see the light again? This is my story of hope for hidden love.