how did this become my life?

In 1994 i wrote a melody that stuck, because it was fun to play, and it would give me a place to hide all the secret feelings i was having, all the thoughts that would be considered evil by my mother and disrespectful by my father… well… in 2004 it got some lyrics when i was writing out all the frustration around my loveless marriage, wrestling with the responsibility to change the things that were so wrong about my life… naturally it took another three years before i become so uncomfortable in that relationship that i asked for a divorce. The song took another rewrite, a whole new attack that finally matched the defiance in the melody, and the hook of the song is ‘how did this become my life?’ (the time she sounded best as a performance was at the playhouse on a really cute harpsichord standing rotting in room full of instruments all wasting away) today i find myself asking that question again…my sleep has been woven densely with nightmares, my waking life a study in fight or flight (when flight is not an option)

Michael and i had our first meeting with the Reverend Susan Wheeler(and her very cute dog) at her home in Pretoria, we’re both still married according to the department of home affairs – in other words we have to get the South African legal system to give up a decree of divorce for Michael, and the department of home affairs to process those divorces by the last week in march the absolute latest. Real 11th hour shit – which has me singing f/i/n/e… bless song for coming to comfort me again as she has so many times throughout the history of me.

Still…

i am a little kid, arrested somewhere in a juvenile relationship with my father – i painted him a water colour for his birthday – now that i have given it to him i feel as exposed as a new born, and as vulnerable. i intend to cut the chord of home, to release us from each other and be free and peaceful about being an evolution on his understanding as my children are of mine – i want to go gently and quietly without notification, without announcement. Take that arrested juvenile, and give her to my husband to be, if he will have her for his own…my most inner being craves belonging, and yet has always felt outside of my father’s love somehow – and this week has brought with it the challenge of feeling outside of Michael’s love, and he outside of mine. just a kid looking for someone to love her as flawed as she is. (without all the girlie cutes, in the body of a 33 year old mother of two who eats carbs, and doesn’t exercise)

Today my cousin commented how my honesty was a little too honest, and that i should make an effort to not feel how everyone feels, or at the very least not express it where she can hear me – i get this reaction a lot. Somehow always after people have resonated with what i just said, feel the breeze against their naked thought, retract, recoil, and call me bad for having called it out. How did this become my life?

Now for those of you in South Africa and divorced – if you have not taken your decree of divorce to the department of home affairs and had them switch your status from married to divorced chances are the records reflect you as being married – you can find out your official status by sms – send M and your identity number to 32551.

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2 thoughts on “how did this become my life?

  1. Hil says:

    Nic

    Don’t lose the honesty. It is raw, beautiful and refreshing. I have spent so long disguising myself in what I perceive will be the acceptable me that I am not comfortable with being naked me. I am trying to become honest and true to myself and it is hard work. Other’s opinions are like heavy dull winter coats. They weigh me down, are little scratchy but they are oddly comforting.

  2. nicoletheron says:

    I have been thinking your comment over for what seems like forever now, i remember the desperation that others opinions caused in me, because it is impossible to make everyone happy, and trying to do that was certainly not making me happy – far far from it! When the divorce finally came, i had to shed the deepest addiction to another person’s approval that i have ever felt…i wouldn’t know if a day was good or bad until he said what it was, i couldn’t decide if i liked a movie or a meal, because my opinion had to mirror his or all was lost – not very mature I know, but none the less the sentiment that created the need to express it in song… i hope you find a way to be naked and honest with yourself, because beyond that nothing matters x

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