what lies beneath

Yesterday i had to do a very hard thing –

I’m not very good at letting people know how I am really feeling, particularly when how I’m really feeling is shattered. I tend to put on the happy face, and always spread the word of the silver lining…even when i cannot see it myself. It’s a perpetual nightmare because i know exactly what to say to pass for stable and sane, when the truth is, I couldn’t find my way out of the brown paper bag that is my depression with both hands and a set of fucking directions… OK so I’m depressed, but that doesn’t mean that my life has stopped – my mother died six months ago, and my father moved on to a relationship within a week – he was living with the new woman, before my mother was even cremated… when i tried talking to him about my fears, disappointments and feelings he told me that in a straight choice – her vs me – i would lose, so i should just drop it…

wait… back up – this has been going on for longer than that – but i won’t bore you with all of it, suffice to say that my life is like a strange assortment of odd, sad and wonderful things, but at the root, right down in the core of me, it feels like I’m struggling under the weight of a sadness that just won’t shift – i choose each day to do my best, dress becomingly, challenge my mind, do for others, create, accept what is etc…perhaps i just have to live like this until i die? Why is happiness so vague?

anyway – lately my best friend has been going through some major (mostly self inflicted) relationship shit – which has made her kids nervous and sad – i love these kids, and have felt trapped between this rock and that hard place, because as much as i want to be able to help, this kind of crazy is just beyond me… i won’t share the details, but – it’s a fucking ungodly mess, and the kids are bearing the brunt as usual with her -so much so that i have to take a step back, and realise that at this time – the “girl side” in my life is a massive let down! with the wedding getting closer every day, and an agreement that she would bear witness, and thereby be a part of my marriage, i had to acknowledge that there was a knot growing in my gut – it was getting tighter and tighter, until i realised that for once i will have to let the happy face slip – for once i will have to honor my feelings above the possibility of hurting hers – and i withdrew not only my support of her in this madness she has created, but, had to say that i don’t want any part of that madness touching my marriage. She says she understands – i have my doubts…

God – if you’re out there? I could use a little rainbow – a little ray of light to carry me through, because i feel like a lead pipe about to inflict a death blow to the head of an innocent…

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2 thoughts on “what lies beneath

  1. ally says:

    There’s always something that lies beneath…always. Always a story untold.

    The Rainbow?
    The unashamed love, gentleness and care that you bestowed on your beautiful mother from deep within your knowing heart, that reached the places only a daughter’s touch and reach;
    her response and love for you in return;
    her quiet understanding and acceptance of things that just are, and about which you can make no changes;
    her knowledge of the Father’s love, radiated through the actions by those around her who loved her dearly, still love her;
    her acceptance of the finality and inevitability of the cessation of life on earth with a sure sense of knowing where she would be going to next ;
    and the peace that she radiated, which was palpable and filled with love, without judgement.
    We all have our paths to walk. Our decisions to explain and unpack, one way or another in the life yet to come.

    Know that you are loved, Nic. xxxxxxxx

    • nicoletheron says:

      For taking the time to put into words what i thought only a hug could express – you have my deepest thanks –
      i am so glad that you had the chance to be there in the last days with us. i have wanted to share with you that the last words mom spoke were to you – when she put her arms around your neck and said “Thank you, I love you” those were her last lucid words in this world, and a sentiment that has challenged and hunted me… To live in love and gratitude… i thought you should know x
      You have touched my heart today, reminded me that i did good, and that i should hold my chin up despite the pain in my heart. Bless you!

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