if we knew what life was worth

You feel death in your own ways, you deal with it, or you avoid it until it makes you sick. No mistake death will have her way with you. i am accepting this more with each memorial service, each ridiculous looking coffin. (i recall a few years ago, a man i had loved intensely died in a car wreck. When i walked into the church, i looked at the box. Hideous, i thought, there is no way he would fit inside such a small box!) Sometimes when i talk to people now, i imagine their box, the flowers, the angry people, the sad people, and the people who came for the food…every wedding/birthday/funeral it’s the same…(i learned that from six feet under)

This last one set my teeth on edge in a strange way. i couldn’t even stand around talking shit with people. i came home driven by the empty promises i had made to share my music with the world. Ernst and i had a long talk when the music was “finished” i told him that i had no intention of selling the record. That the point of the experience for me, the reward, was making the music. He felt this was odd, but that suited me, and i did fuck all about it. i can do fuck all no longer. That stupid looking coffin set me off.

Provoked by death, i took this MacBook into my music room. Literally popped it open on top of the electric piano, clicked on an effect, and pressed record. i hold the dried flowers and feathers from my wedding up to the camera, the dog pads in, breathes heavily, and clacks away. i just start playing whatever is under my fingers, and “something in the way” comes out. (Here i must say my heartfelt thanks to Steve for making it so fun, and easy to use this machine as an extension of my creativity – Love)

Later i took that moment (warts and all), put it in Garage Band, somehow? took out a very loud CLACK (one of the kids and a j board in the background), added some sort of effect that i “played” on the computer. Exported those into my iTunes, and uploaded to my YouTube channel. (*gulp, can you tell i’m not exactly computer literate or internet savvy?)

A day later, amid the kind words from my friends about the feelings and memories that came flooding back when they watched the video, i couldn’t stop thinking about giving my music away.

My daughter and i made a shrine on my piano out of busted stuff that i have been casually collecting for a couple years. Lighters. This was a thing for me, and two of those lighters once belonged to whoever Ernst stole them from before they finished up in my collection – spent. The little silver elephant i found in a junk store. The rolls of film from my first wedding. My grandfathers watch. My ukulele and microphone. A metal pentagram my ex husband made for me when we were both 18. A dried rose from my grandmothers garden. A cup of tea. A collection of triggers, each one an explosion of feelings, thoughts, people, places, times, and faces. The trees.

Took some digital pictures with my hTc Desire (Vignette photo App), used iMovie to make a little photo journal,  set it to the closing track on Perspicacity (the name of my cd) called just a girl. Darcy (my daughter) did all the computer stuff, because she is very good at it. i uploaded it to YouTube, and shared the link by the marvel of Twitter and Facebook with a few friends. One of whom has inspired me to create a video a month for the next 12 months to celebrate, mourn, and ultimately give my music away. Watch this space:


May there be music in your heart, and love in your ears x


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