I am writing to you from the kitchen while the meat sauce simmers, and the water for the pasta boils rapidly all by itself in a large pot. Michael is sitting across from me, baritone ukulele in hand, using the ipad(and the internet) as a songbook. We are blessed.
Tonight though, I have a headache, and find myself unable (as usual) to delegate the work of preparing the supper, although it is a known fact that even the 10 year old makes a passable meat sauce, and can boil pasta…what is that all about?
My mom was a real pain in the neck in this regard. Sick, feverish, shaking, she would get up, and force herself through day after agonizing day! It was torture to watch her, but I fear this Nicole didn’t fall too far from the tree.
This is a subtle version of the violence I was talking about yesterday. Not only am I hurting myself, but I’m creating a model for my daughter that tells her she has to do the same. Perhaps what I pay spiritually, mentally, and emotionally for tonight’s violence against myself is small. What I do know is that it can all add up very quickly, and then I find myself out of control, angry, and so very sad.
The only thing that occasionally works for me is to stop and ask myself if my best friend, or daughter was feeling how I feel right now, would I ask or expect her to do what I am about to?
Can you think of ways you force yourself through times, situations, obligations, when it would be an act of kindness, an act of self love to take yourself off the hook, cut yourself some slack, and ask for the help you need.
Tell me what you do?
(i need a hug)