I didn’t write anything here yesterday, I attempted to post the latest in the Youtube year long video challenge instead… You can watch it HERE (it took over 14 hours to load, finally finishing at 3 this morning; meaning technically I didn’t post anything yesterday). What I felt once the guilt wore off was a familiar disappointment.
Realising that I am so familiar with letting myself down hurt, but, only enough to make me think about it…and think I have.
Today, I notice, has been riddled with self doubt. The feeling that there is no point in writing anything further. The heartbreaking news that I should just stop, let the month pass, and not mention it ever again, has been rebroadcast every 90 minutes. Reminding me of every other time I have called myself out, made a public statement regarding my intentions, and let it slide as soon as it got hard or inconvenient. The truth is, task completion is not one of my strengths. I’m attempting to work on/around/with this.
The strange thing with the music videos is I don’t feel so paralysed by fear, or doubt. I’m making these as a parting gift to honor a friend, because someone asked me to. I don’t feel accountable to myself, I feel accountable to Ernst and Sarah-Jane. It seems it’s easier for me to keep my word to others than to myself.
I wonder what that means?