Less than a week ago i learned something disturbing about how i am still limiting myself. i learned that i’m still stuck thinking that if i speak up for my own needs and wants that someone else has to lose. that in order for me to be happy, peaceful, inspired and rested someone else has to be miserable, stressed out, depleted and exhausted. so instead i have been choosing to be miserable, stressed out, depleted and exhausted myself. this has not been a wining strategy. not by the longest shot. no. instead i have made myself impossible to be around. fortunately i also learned that the power to change myself is mine and that it starts with things like getting enough sleep, and taking long baths. back on the self care waggon i go.
I lay awake in bed the last few mornings in a row having this serial daymare conversation with my daughter. The last two people she has been interested in it turns out were both already in relationships they were not honest or upfront about. To hear from someone that you are familiar and comfortable and that they have feelings for you and then see the very next day on their instagram that they are celebrating their 8 month relationship milestone with someone else. What can i tell her? That it took longer in my day to find out when someone was two or three timing you. This news is not at all or in any way comforting. But it’s all i have – aside from clicking my tongue against my teeth somewhere between empathy and disgust. Shaking my head and helpless shoulder shrugging. Fuck. I see all around the fact that people don’t know how to communicate without fear. Your fear turns you into the last thing you want to be – a liar.
Falsehood reigns supreme it seems. Our Presidential spin doctors trying every angle to get us to believe that JZ wanted to do the right thing all along- really – he didn’t mean to rape us – but you know we were wearing that short red skirt – so it was kind of our fault to begin with. right? I’m so tired of feeling violated, or constantly on the brink of being violated, or avoiding violation by the narrowest margins. Social media bombards me with things i *need to be aware of; the tortured dogs, the crime stats in my neighbourhood, the violation of the native peoples of wherever…Everywhere this invitation to close my heart – pull inward, become suspicious, paranoid…so so hard to keep my chest open. Heart open, smile genuinely, look the people i meet in the eye. Trust. I’m having a hard time with humanity, and my place in it. Fuck.